The Daily Crap - 'We Talk Sheet'

JOCKEYS SLAUGHTERED IN FOOT AND MOUTH EMERGENCY

Due to the current foot and mouth disease crisis, the prime minister has announced emergency measures. The halting of all horse racing has not had the desired effect in controlling this disease, and so Mr Blair has announced that all professional and amateur jockeys will have to be killed en masse and their bodies burned to combat the spread of the virus.

This, or so it is hoped, will help to control foot and mouth disease and save the farming industry of great britain. Plans have also been formulated to dispose of the jockeys with the aid of the artist formerly known as prince. this would save on bullets. however, this would mean that the artist formerly known as prince, or squiggly thing, would also have to be destroyed. This would be a great loss to the world of fasion and popular music.

OLLWEB RETURNS

After a long struggle against opression, ollweb is back online. After fighting long and hard against a faction of the last vestiges of fascism in europe, otherwise known as st johns comprehensive it department, this site is back for you to enjoy, and much improved. Be sure to check out the Incendiary Fun section for a selection of weaponry and pyrotechnics, all easily constructed from household (or school) equipment. Especially the supershooter, a monster peashooter, powered by easily obtainable explosives and capable of launching a small wad of paper or a dart in excess of 180 feet per second. Enjoy!!

NW VARIANT TMPORARY DYSLXIA STRIKS

A nw variant of th bizzar disas of tmporary dyslxia has bn discovrd. This strang nw strain, namd "stvn's syndrom" aftr th first suffrr, dos not affct th prsons ability to spll or rad, but prvnts thm from using th lttr " ". Govrnmnt Scintists advis th public not to panic, but try to avoid contact with anyon affctd by this complaint, as it is highly contagious. Fortunatly, as with th first strain of tmporary dyslxia, no-on at th daily crap has bn affctd.

TMAPRAOY DYSEXLIA STRUKES CINTROY

Thur wiz shuck todey as an otbreek iv deselxia swup the cintrey. Thus firm uv dusese rendas vuctums inuble te spull sumple wards. Clion Wosley, who now si warking os a rosurch sienctust, cummontad turdy: "Thus dosese is beein stodied carfoolie. As of noo, a cyar hus nit boon fund." Lickily, nee won at th darly crup hus boon iffected. T

TEENAGER ATTACKED BY VISCIOUS TURD

An unfortunate teenager, who has asked not to be named but is definately not Michael Blighe, was attacked by a furious winnet yesterday. The offending butt nugget was given a caution by police after it pounced on Michael, ahem.. sorry.. the unnamed victim, aiming for the throat. Detectives are working on the theory that the turd may in fact have been an angry first-year, as they are reported to look and smell peculiarly like the attacker. "If the attacker was indeed a shit," commented Colin Wesley, police spokesman yesterday, "It would pose a problem as it would be liable to squidge under the doors of any cell it was imprisoned in." The investigation continues.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: LEO REACHES PUBERTY!

This article was originally going to be a report based around a photograph of Leonardo Di Caprio, apparrantly having stubble for the first time in his life. The article was withdrawn, however, when it was discovered that a moustache shaped piece of dirt was stuck to the photo. The Daily Crap would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

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"WE WANT OUR BALLS BACK" PROTEST EUNUCHS

The Eunuch servants of Sheik Rattleandroll have been protesting today after an information leak revealed that their balls had been disposed of. The Eunuchs were Eunuchated on the condition that their gonads would be kept in case they ever needed them again. Colin Wesley, the spokesman for the Sheik said: "We really are very sorry that this situation has occured. I was not our intention to throw out the testicles. Sheik Rattleandroll's official cook thought that they were out of date pickled onions and so removed them from the kitchen." An inquiry has been launched to attempt to find out who it was who put the preserved nads into the store room in the first place.

BUTCHER SURPRISED AS MEAT FIGHTS BACK

A butcher was shocked today when a piece of meat that he was butchering kicked him in the nuts. The pork leg, which cannot be named for legal reasons, hit out at luckless meat merchant Colin Wesley just as he had started to hack it with his cleaver. "I really don't know why the meat kicked me," commented Colin this morning. "I have chopped up countless chods of meat before, and I have never been kicked in the nads before by one." Professor Ima Fraud from the University of Pennsylvania commented: "It is possible that a build-up of static electricity in the blade stimulated the nerve fibre endings and trigged a posthumous muscle spasm." We don't know what this means.

HUGE OTTER SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF FISHERMAN

A giant otter was recently spotted on the banks of a north-east river. The aquatic oddity was spotted and photographed by Colin Wesley, a fisherman who frequents the watercourse. "I didn't know what it was at first, but it sure scared the shit out of me."

(The huge otter and Colin's angling companion Reginald in the foreground) Dr Montgomery C. Fleming, a professor of Nuclear Effects on Wildlife at Manhattan University, commented: "It is not uncommon for aquatic creatures to grow out of all proportion when exposed to nuclear waste. There is a very simple test for this problem, all that is required is a tissue sample and a dark room. If the sample emits a gaussian glow, then emissions to the watercourse need to be reduced." A spokesman for ICL Nuclear Fuels commented yesterday: "You're from the press, aren't you? Get out of here you bastards." The case is still waiting to be resolved.